A morning sadness, sense of loss has gradually been replaced by a quiet sense of step by step, just take things one at a time. As my best friend talks about, ‘doing the next best thing’.
But sometimes when I read that, I pause and wonder. Perhaps before doing that next best thing, we need to remember to just be. To stop and see, remove the blinders, the filters (to the best of our ability) and see with inner Panavision. This can feel quite overwhelming. And then I remember that I don’t need to do anything about all that is there. I am a spectator, a student, a perpetual visitor and tourist. Which does not mean a lack of responsibility or commitment. Indeed, quite the opposite. The seeing allows me to be far more aware, far more present to what is around and in me and so more fully, more consciously commit, take responsibility for my actions, speech and thoughts. For that is all I can take responsibility for and channel.
These thoughts are neither new to me nor anything radical and unexpressed by many over the centuries. So why mention them now?
Transitions. End of one year, beginning of another. Reflecting on what has past, seeing how it might impact and nourish what may come.
2018 was a challenging year for me, with complete surprises as well as soft openings. January saw the unsatisfactory end of 7 years of research, with an MPhil awarded instead of the intended (and deserved) PhD (the details of this debacle may appear at some point here). February my first visit to India (Goa and Hampi) – though I was still in a daze after the January disappointment, March and April were taken up with research tidying up and then a serious fall by my mum. A fortnight visit to her in the States while she bravely and determinedly recovered. 13 weeks in hospital and rehab, then returning to her retirement community. 93 and still a powerhouse! Early June, my brother-in-law died by suicide. Shocking, sad, so very sad, but not surprising, as his last year had been increasingly full of inner turmoil, depression, bipolar behaviour and suicidal thoughts and actions. Supporting my husband and niece and nephew. Early July, the commemoration for him, which I was honoured to lead. Second half of July, a gathering at our home of the American contingent to celebrate the end of the research. What a joy those weeks were! July-November, editing a most challenging book on sexual abuse and cult dynamics in yoga and positive ways forward. Late September, seeing my oldest friend on a visit to the States and knowing something wasn’t right. His diagnosis came through in a few weeks: multiple myeloma. Chemo is having a good effect but it is early days. October another wonderful time teaching in Crete – despite slight cat sitter problems. Once again, our good friend quarkping came to the rescue And December – more on the book and lots of trainings. Yet through it all I was generally quite healthy. For that I am so grateful.
So here we are. A beautiful new page with so much valuable material to process, let go of, learn from, let go again and use to grow more, be freer and emptier.
Wishing everyone the chance to enjoy the inner Panavision and the outer being/doing the next best thing that comes from that.